Let’s talk Mum Guilt

Let’s talk mum guilt.

Where Mums feel guilty for working.

Mums feel guilty for taking sick days.

Mums feel guilty if someone else takes care of their kids.

Mums feel guilty for staying home but then putting kids in front of the TV to get things done.

Mums feel guilty for not being “present enough”.

Mums feel guilty for not giving their families nutritious meals (aka vegetables) Every. Single. Night.

Mums feel guilty for wanting a moments peace.

Mums feel guilty when they get some peace, because they should be with their child.

Mums feel guilty if their child isn’t sleeping.

Mums feel guilty if they work on sleep.

Mums feel like they should be able to do it all. Raise a family: keep a tidy house, cook nutritious meals, help kids with their homework, give them quality time, take them to activities AND work full time: Be 100% there at work, pay the bills, not take time off because their child is sick (again), advance in their career…

Sound a little familiar?

Let’s define the guilt

The Oxford dictionary defines guilt as “the fact of having committed a specified or implied offence or crime”. Thus, Mum guilt is when a mother commits a crime (or implied offence).

In more simple terms, it is when a mum feels unhappy and like she is not doing enough as a parent.

This feeling can appear at any time, but it is common when going back to work after maternity leave, when juggling household tasks or self-care with parenting responsibilities, and/or dealing with unwanted opinions about your parenting choices.

Is this guilt justified?

The above list of when mums feel guilty does not include any crime. In all the above “mums feel guilty” scenarios, 99.9% of the time the mother is doing her best. The juggle, IS. INDEED. REAL.

So, there’s no crime committed, but will we offend our children?

Most likely – because we don’t give in to their tantrums or give them lollies for dinner. Because we are holding boundaries and keeping them safe until their brains are mature enough to moderate themselves (note that brains aren’t fully matured until the mid to late 20’s so this parenting lark is an ongoing thing).

Often what a mother does is necessary (for a variety of reasons). Yet as a Mum we still feel BAD. We feel we should still be doing more, or doing it differently.

Why?

Societal pressure? Partner expectations? Toxic friend (coffee) groups?

Or because we are trying to do too much – on our own? What we feel we “should” do is just not realistic all of the time. No wonder our anxiety is working overtime.

It takes a village

You’ve heard that it takes a village to raise a child, right? (that’s ONE child too, not “children”).

Along the way we have lost our village – and if we ARE lucky to actually have one (an extended family or helpful friend group) we often feel guilty asking for help.

Want a way to see if your mum guilt is accurate?

Stop and think about your Mummy best friend. If your reaction to your friend going through the same situation is KINDER than how you are treating yourself. Then you are expecting too much.

We are much harsher critics to ourselves than to our friends.

So please, treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. Be kind to yourself.

Managing Mum Guilt

Here are some strategies to try if you’re suffering Mum guilt:

Share the load: This can be with your partner, other family members, or willing friends/other mums. People generally LOVE to help. It makes them feel wanted. The first step is to reach out and ask if they can take something off your plate. Chances are your partner can help with chores that aren’t already on their list. And if you’re a single Mum, reach out to other single mums and share some babysitting/play dates – so you can both get more “me” time.

Ditch the nay-sayers: There is nothing wrong with avoiding people — even relatives — who make you feel guilty because they did it differently. If you’re hearing judgement in a conversation, leave the room (or call). Which leads us to the next idea…

Find your tribe: Surrounding yourself with like-minded people, those with the same values and priorities, can help you feel more confident about your choices. These days there are numerous online parenting communities. Find one that’s right for you.

Don’t compare: There’s always someone bragging about their situation or child. How they’re walking at 8 months or sleeping through at 6 weeks. Don’t get sucked into the comparison game. Every child is different, and although it can be good to know what to expect (on average). It’s not a competition.

Take care of yourself first: There’s a reason they say to put on your own oxygen mask before you tend to your child. If you fall over (or suffocate due to lack of oxygen), who will look after your child? Mothers are the backbone of the family. To parent like you want to, you need to look after yourself too. Yes, your needs are important.

When you feel you’re doing NOTHING right

Don’t get me wrong, some parental guilt is normal (even if it’s not justified). But it can become a problem if you are constantly beating yourself up about your choices. Or if the thoughts and feelings become overwhelming.

There is a strong link between mum guilt and depression, AND with depression/anxiety and sleep (or lack of it).

If you feel you are not coping – please reach out for help. Your first step during overwhelm can be your GP (or your partner or best friend to take you to the Dr). Your GP can do an assessment for Post Partum Depression (PPD) and steer you in the right direction. Then, when you’re feeling stronger, you can start some of the strategies above. Including working on sleep if that is an issue.

Everything is harder when your sleep patterns are disrupted. Some of that is to be expected during the first 3 months of your child’s life, but after that, there’s no need for multiple night wakes. Consolidated sleep is important for you and your child.

If you’d like to work on sleep, let’s chat. You can book a free initial call, and we’ll talk it through. Because everyone deserves a good night sleep, and you deserve to ditch the mum guilt!

Kim